Conflict Management: Winning Isn't Everything

We’ve all heard a coach say, “There is no I in team.” Collaborative communication involves teamwork. The Transaction model sees communication as something we do with one another (Cahn & Abigail, 2007). Of course, we can begin to blame our negative reaction to a problem on our emotions. But the fact of the matter is we have a responsibility to control ourselves. When a triggering event occurs, also known as the “beginning of the problem,” we must remember to stop. Stop is the first step in the S-TLC system (Cahn & Abigail, 2007). By giving yourself time to pause and analyze the situation you are more likely to gain control of your mental state.

The next step in the S-TLC technique is to think. How many times have we said or done something we’ve regretted without thinking?  Analyzing the situation is imperative in order to de-escalate the conflict and decide if the conflict is real or unreal. 

If you decide a real conflict exists, action is needed. Real conflicts range from minor issues to those serious enough to damage a relationship (Cahn & Abigail, 2007).  To effectively solve problems you must work together with the opposing party rather than competing. Letting the other person know how you feel by owning feelings and shying away from physical and verbally abusive behavior is key. Using “I” statements prevents the opposing party from turning defensive. “You” language points blame and avoids responsibility (Cahn & Abigail, 2007).

There are two sides to every story. No matter how passionate you are about your stance, there is always another view to consider. Voicing your side of the story and listening to the other person takes place in the differentiation phase. Both parties should voice concerns, wants, needs and potential solutions to the problem. Validating each others’ complaints is important.  When only one viewpoint is legitimate, conflict arises from an argument (Cahn & Abigail, 2007, pg 30). Of course, arguments impede the process of conflict resolution.

The win-lose system is so prevalent in our society. We unconsciously adapt this mindset in communication by favoring the idea of compromise. Compromise accommodates the needs of one party while leaving the other party somewhat dissatisfied. The preferred conflict strategy is collaboration where both parties find mutually satisfying solutions to issues (Cahn & Abigail, 2007). Collaboration requires both parties to act in a mature manner, pushing power struggles aside and doing the necessary steps to achieve a peaceful end.

Communication is about more than just saying what’s on our mind (Cahn & Abigail, 2007, pg 55). It is how we relate to anyone other than ourselves. Relationships are a big determinant to our personal and professional success. Learning how to effectively resolve problems is an important life tool. But first we must adapt an attitude that no one has to lose in conflict. Both parties can come out winners by working together, avoiding judgment, empathizing with each other and keeping an open mind (Cahn & Abigail, 2007, pg 53).